I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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