I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You ruined the universe
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
