Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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