90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
