why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
