Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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