Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
