I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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