yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
