I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
