Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
