dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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