Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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