the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
