It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Last time i carry you out of a forest
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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