I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
