Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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