Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
