i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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