I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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