I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
