hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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