If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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