You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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