he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
tell your sister to shave her snatch
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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