I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
