I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm having to shit out rocks
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