Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
