So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
