Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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