Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
