Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
