your parents love me but you hate me
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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