cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
