areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
