I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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