just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
