Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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