did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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