Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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