I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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