Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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