a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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