nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
