Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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