So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
