Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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