So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
