420 ftw
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
