im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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